Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶

   *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   "A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on :)

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Hot!!

   glad she has pajamas with pockets. Now she doesn't have to hold things while she sleeps.

   flossing her sweet tooth with twizlers!

   Hiding from the sun again

   reading chicken soup for the chicken's soul

   ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about

   If you ain't never been to the Suburbs; Don't ever come to the Suburbs.... 'Cause you wouldn't understand the Suburbs... So stay the F@#% out of the Suburbs!!!

   Caution: Was produced on machines that also process nuts

   Do you know what it feels like when you have to pee really bad? Well in that case feel this, I'm not totally sure I do...

   wanna go halves on a baby?

   Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   Am always telling the truth unless am lying.

   thinks it's funny how Google Chrome's spell-checker dictionary doesn't have the word "Google" in it

   2 word's boys hate the most "dont" and "stop"...lets put them together instead!

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   on the air, go ahead caller what is your request?