Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

   was so surprise when I was born that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

   Don't mess with Packer fans, it not nice to pick on retards!

   Fantasy football is about as close as most men will ever get to being a professional athlete.

   What happened to the good ole days… Like when Britney Spears would shave her head!

   it wrong that I find Home Alone the greatest movie of all time?

   Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   hoping Marge Simpson poses for Hustler next.

   thinks Marge Simpson's playboy spread was done very tastefully.

   This just in...BALLOON BOY IS SAFE! For all of his actions leading to safe recovery of the six year old, Obama has been awarded a 2nd Nobel Prize!

   the shadow on the moon at night, Filling your dreams to the brim with fright!

   gonna update this status, but I got high. I was gonna let you in on my life, but I got high. Now I'm behind the times, and I know why... hey eh, cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high!

   thinks employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   ...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

   thinks Falcon needs to have his dose of Ritilin increased.

   give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, give a man a religeon, he'll starve to death praying for a fish

   with all due repect, its hard to believe in god when certain people have yet to be disentigrated by bolts of lightning

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

   once visited the Virgin Islands ... They are now called the Islands