Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.

   n't letting people drive him crazy when he knows its within walking distance.

   imagining a world with no hypothetical situations.

   98.23% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

   getting sick of following his dreams, so he's gonna find out where they are going and catch up to them later.

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   knows whats the diference between a wife and a girlfriend..? Its about $200.

   I was driving home the other day and saw the most beautiful rainbow, and then I had the disturbing thought, that gay people use this symbol to recognize each other. I think that is Ghey...

   I am fixing to pull out your voodoo doll. I suggest you brace yourself...

   loves knowing she isnt the only one facebooking it up all alone when the rest of the world is cuddling it up.

   To boost sales,I think fast food chains should add an adult toy to there value menu.

   divorcing her liver and requesting alimony.

   I'm so old. I remember when "flash memory" meant "ability to recall guys in raincoats showing their naughty bits." Those were simpler times for sure!

   breaking up with his flirtatious imaginary girlfriend in hope that his seductive mythological lover could become more allegorical....

   sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

   What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?.....The cold shoulder.

   likes to fill up the bath, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's jus been hit.

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?