Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is like the Mets I just can't win

   remembers when "google" was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in grade school!

   saw Mike Tyson at the airport, I thought about going over to talk to him but I was concerned he would just take an earful and then leave.............

   reminds you that people will believe anything if it's whispered.

   thinks it would really help Jennifer Anniston's career if she would star in a few romantic comedies.

   thinks real men should never say the words "sippy cup".

   thinks if ballrina's were jusy a little taller, they wouln't have to dance on their tippy toe's as much!

   would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

   wishes you were beer

   Hey dude... There's your car!

   me+alcohol+nintendo64=profanity out the ass

   if you always stop to smell the roses, sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

   feels like something funny is gonna happen...I'm sitting next to a blackman, whiteman and a chineseman. I'm just waiting on the punchline!

   thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..

   Milton's stapler!

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

   repairing a huge hole in my living room wall, Damn You, Kool-Aid man...