Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Joker is safely behind bars. The batmobile's wheels are operational. Robin is a human male, incapable of laying an egg. And I bathe every day!

   For the ladies still waiting for their prince on a white horse, don't give up! With the recent rises in fuel, it can happen any second now!

   If smoking weed causes short term memory loss then what does smoking weed do?

   Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat.

   When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere

   The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.

   Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.

   The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100

   Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!