Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I die at the gym while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911.

   What's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White? Paul Walker got to 100 before he died.

   I saw a Kenny Loggins "Christmas Time Is Here" CD in the discount bin. I looked at the track listing on the back and was disappointed not to see "Highway To The Manger Zone".

   On Facebook, never judge a woman by his profile picture.

   People up north whine way more about cold winters than we Floridians do about the hot summers. It may have something to do with feminine swimwear.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   I am still boycotting all Marvel movies until they release the much needed and long overdue 'White Panther'.

   I broke off my relationship with a woman I met a few days ago. I got a good look at both her ex and her kids. I became nauseated at the thought of went in her and what's popped out.

   Not sure that "What's gotten into you?" is the best opening line when you run into a friend that you hadn't seen in a while and is pregnant.

   Todays Mexican world of the day is DALLAS.....because this is dallas game the Cowboys will play this season.

   I don't know how I can keep on living, knowing I was wrong about bad consequences of legalizing weed. I hate being told "I told you so".

   I don't know about you, but I think it's patriotic to be poor and misguided.

   It's only been 1 year of Biden! Let that sink in for a bit while you decide if you want gas OR groceries.

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   You mean the high prices of gas and groceries which is happening all over the world because of a pandemic? Grow up and accept that Trump lost fair and square.

   I swear some of yall blame Biden for everything, yet if trump was president none of you would blame trump

   In the new woke version, The Terminator is a woman. Her line is, "I should be back but I don't know, I'll see how my day goes."

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.