Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day everyone! If that offends you then too bad for you.

   I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down I’m not wearing a bra

   Does anyone know when Boy Scout cookies go on sale? Thanks.

   Imagine you're a NASCAR driver, your name is Brandon, and someone asks you to define the most pivotal moment of your career.

   Saying "I fell in love with a dictator" is something I will never say in my life.

   I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident

   I prefer to have s€x in the dark not because I'm afraid to see bodily imperfections. It's because I don't want to see her nose hairs.

   Space, the final frontier for William Shatner who's 10-minute mission to seek out stranger new publicity for Jeff Bezoses Space Program. To boldly go where only a few million Tourist have gone before!

   Biden is opening up the borders, wow what is it that this guy can't do "wrong"

   When you see all these luxury rich homes and ur wallet says no....I'll just gonna build a house in minecraft 😤

   After you eat an edible there is a specific moment in time after which you may not post on Facebook.

   Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

   Someone tried to tell me I was a vampire once but I checked the mirror and just couldn’t see it!

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbours are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Capt James T Kirk just told you the world isn't flatt .

   Newsflash: Jon Gruden said what most of us think.

   Someone just gave me half of a peace sign. Weird.

   We'll be setting our clocks back soon. Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

   I wonder if I have ever bought milk from the same cow twice?