Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Corn Pop?

   a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken I just ate in the parking lot.

   Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

   The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

   A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?

   I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

   I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   Why is it that Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR?

   If I was told when I was a kid that in the future, the press would glorify a drug addled jigaboo repeat offending felon who resisted arrest and would ignore 13 servicemen who died, I wouldn't have believed it. Yet here we are.

   I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.

   "How much do you spend on wine?" Me: about 30 minutes

   Whenever I'm in a restaurant and the waitperson says they are short-staffed I tell them "Well then you need to hire taller staff."

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled down at different rates?