Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other guy's side, and the correct side.

   I know words, I know the best words.

   n't it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive?

   As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

   One good thing about being a Amazon delivery driver is you can impress women by telling them your company provides you with a Mercedes-Benz.

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."

   I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.

   I have this condition where I can no longer do math in my head. It's called Fibromyalgebra.

   I was just traveling thru an overpass where the city's homeless seem to gather, and it made me proud. Even they are doing their part to battle this Covid 19 as I saw a couple of them administering vaccinations to each other.

   Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet

   Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

   I find it hilarious how adults parrots these childish insults about other people. I guess they hate adulthood and want to be children again.

   The imbecile underneath this couldn't come up with a clever retort, so he stood on my shoulders and a f00l of himself in the process.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.