Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the quarantine lasts longer than expected and your cousin starts looking extra thick.

   If your enemy insist on taking horse dewormer.....let them.

   Hurricanes are wet. Very wet. With lots of wet water. Not many people know that.

   So does the voice that gives us the weather warnings have a name??

   Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

   "Well at least I don't have to wake up early any more." Is what I want my tombstone to say

   You can fear God all you like. Me, on the other hand, will be friends with God.

   I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

   If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

   To many environmentally-friendly Facebook philosophers and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If I can survive seeing my mom google “best jeans for oddly shaped teens” I can survive anything.

   What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.

   The reality is that there is NO reasonable alternative to evolution in science. At least not a version of “science” which does not glean its facts from a book written thousands of years ago by primitive desert people.

   All these photos of kid's first day going off to school. How come nobody posts photos of their kids off to their first day of summer school?

   Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

   Leaving your 5yo home alone in Florida is nothing. You can even kill them there and get away with it.

   Million Dollar Idea: Take the flood waters from the northeast and dump them on the fires in the west.

   Texas...where covid-19 has better reproduction rights than women.

   Karate is a Japanese word that means "My kid can't hit a baseball."