Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm on a new diet where I eat nothing but wildebeest meat. It's called Gnutrisystem.

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

   My wife and I got in a car accident today. She was behind the wheel driving, and I was on the outside of the car getting hit by it.

   Make Tuesday fun at work today........If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

   I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

   this can't be the same brain I was using to read 450 page novels in 3 days during middle school

   Vaccines are bad, but horse dewormers are good!

   I wear a mask. I'm vaccinated. You other inbreds our there in the midwest driving around your pickup trucks with 3 teeth and a mullet can contract the virus, spread it to your family and have the whole lot of them cease to breathe.

   When I see a guy wearing a man bun and a mask, walking into a store. I like to hold the door open, establish dominance.

   Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”

   The world is finally divided into two clear groups: The vaccinated ones waiting for the non-vaccinated to die, and the non-vaccinated waiting for the vaccinated to die.

   Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

   Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

   does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to crap themselves every single day of a trip?

   You know growing up I could tell who had money and who didn't. People with money had Tupperware people without money had butter containers.. We used butter and cool whip containers

   If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw. ..Just in case!

   Some guy asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.