Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What they need in Afghanistan is Larry the Kabul Guy. He'd git 'er done.

   If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

   Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

   I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb an' applied rotation on her sugar plum. - Frank Zappa

   I enjoy walking in a convenience store and having the cashier ask if I got gas. “No…just a little indigestion!”

   Time for Joe to resign in disgrace.

   You don't need to attend every argument you are invited to...

   When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

   You never think it’ll happen to you and then boom, you get catfished by an empty box of donuts.

   Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

   Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop I threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed

   Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"

   It's funny when a Athiest needs a prayer they will ask for one. But when a Christian asks for one, they will be the first to make fun.

   Sometimes I open my mouth to speak and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spill out.

   No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!

   It has become crystal clear why he thinks Hun ter is the smartest person he knows.

   what does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the restroom? ....the pee is silent

   I can;t afford the "Ring" doorbell so I use "honk" where friends pull up & honk their horn

   I used to be addicted to soap but don't worry, I'm clean now.

   Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.