Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone go get vaccinated so we don't prove Darwin's theory of natural selection to be correct.

   At some point the possum actually dies. Then all that practice finally pays off.

   Remember the Fable of the Tortoise & the Hare. They were both soup the next day.

   my future depends on my dreams so I think il go to sleep'

   I really admire China at this years olympics. They use the same athlete for every event!!

   Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.

   I can say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player..

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually go to the bathroom in a day.

   The only difference between a colonoscopy and Taco Bell is money.

   One teacher can change your whole life. Like the one that knocked up my cousin.

   We used to experiment with launching monkeys into space. Now it is CEOs. Progress.

   WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security

   My favorite part of looking back on childhood is trying to deduce which adults in charge were just barely keeping their shi*t together.

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   I never thought that an ex-stripper, gold-digger would be more respected than every doctor in the world, but here we are.

   Kind of ironic that growing a mullet will prevent you from being a redneck!

   Checked my bank account and none of it was fraud it was all me damn

   I was going to call my bank and report fraud until I realized it was 𝑴𝑬 that spent all my money.

   Our neighbor is an anti-vaxxer. They call her Mrs. Doubtpfizer.