Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   "i refuse to get a microchip implanted in me by means of a vaccine needle" okay? And? thats like saying "i refuse to swallow motor oil by means of drinking milk"

   Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down!

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   If you see someone crying, ask if is because of their haircut.

   Remember when times were precedented.

   There's a fine line between "I've got nothing to do today except look at facebook" and "I've got nothing to do today because I'm looking at facebook"

   What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?

   Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

   “Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

   I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

   Watching the matrix oh wait no, this is my facebook new feed.

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   What do I know about Bonsai trees? Very little.

   My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"