Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

   I feel like Olympic sports should focus less on pointless sports like synchronized diving and more on essential skills like evading a bear in the pool

   Think I have more human interaction with people on Craigslist that I do on social media sites.

   Sometimes late at night I like to send prostitutes to my neighbors just to see if they let them in

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   The relationship my spouse and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice?

   I wear a Mullet in the Summer to prevent becoming a Redneck. Seems a bit Contradictory.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Olives and not Greece's Pieces?

   I'm awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.

   Seems to me that UFOs may just be billionairs from other planets?

   Remember when Tom Brady threw a pick six in Super Bowl LI then gave up? Yeah, neither does anyone else...

   I'm incredulous over the fact that changing the name and picture on a pancake box has yet to result in racial unity.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   Thought I'd cook for the wife last night. Got to the part where the recipe said "Now chill in fridge for 1 hour". I could only stand it for like 20 minutes - it was cold and really crowded in there....

   The secret to being social after the pandemic is to delete your Facebook account.

   My favorite song about spring is "Blowin in the Wind" by Peter, Pollen Mary.

   To devote yourself to one man, and worshiping him like a god seems pretty...well...you know.....gay.

   If Biden had a quarter for every smart thing he ever said, he’d have two dimes.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.