Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

   Ten should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy...

   My neighbor man came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the heck's the point man?

   A new study found that drinking pop is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, pop is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

   If a woman marries a man who already has grandchilden, does that make her an Instagram?

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

   DWI attorneys would be smart to buy ad space on Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   The New NHL teams name is The Seattle Kraken .... Their fans will be known as Krak heads

   The U.S. uses a 60Hz electrical system. England uses a 50Hz electrical system. This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

   Just found a $20 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   I wonder if clothes in china say made around the corner

   Pride day is a month long, yet Vererans day is only one day....Please explain

   Anyone know how to get a club soda stain out?

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.