Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.

   Unhinged panic porn you can trust ~ CNN

   With all the crowds of people there's going to be on Memorial Day weekend I'm not traveling, but not because of Coronavirus, I just don't like crowds.

   You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

   Vaccine shots are a gateway drug to concerts.

   This pollen got me feeling like George Floyd.

   Do I block the raging drunkard that trolls my page or do I let him ramble so he doesn’t sh00t up his local piggly wiggly?

   Guys, your wife works hard. Would it be too much trouble to get out the vacuum cleaner and plug it in so it will be ready for her when she gets home from work?

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if he was stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   “midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

   The most important thing I care about in a president is how high gas prices get while he's in office (rolling eyes back).

   The last time gasoline prices were this high Joe Biden was vice president.

   I'm smart enough to know that the president has nothing to do with the setting of gas prices. I wish a lot of others can say that.

   I wonder how many boyfriends the QAnon Virgin Shaman has in prison so far?