Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, wife was ticked off when she found out I donated as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

   Welcome to middle age, blueberries are your dessert now.

   If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

   A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   Wife: Your problem is your incompetence Me: I can hold my pee just fine

   I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

   just got my 6th Pfizer shot and now I can see 15 seconds into the future

   I can't tell the difference between Melania Trump and Kaitlyn Jenner.

   Which vaccine is the one with extra microchips in it? Cuz I wanna be able to control my appliances with my mind.

   Someone threw a bottle of Mayo at me...I was like "What the Hellmann"...!!!

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   Whoever believes in that bamboo-laced China ballots, which was flown here story, please let me know? I just want to know who to laugh at.

   Someone once told me "you'll never gonna forget me". I don't remember who that was.

   The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

   When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

   Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

   You reach an age when you become very critical about people parking near your house.

   Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.

   Does Jimmy Biden or Joe Carter have the better ring to it?