Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. Shestill isn't talking to me.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   Old Louie shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, 'crushed nuts'? 'No, miss', he replied ... arthritis."

   I kicked my five-year old son out of the house because he didn't want to worship Trump. How dare he not want to worship the man who is greater than Jesus Christ. I have no son!!!

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.

   But Donald Trump is greater than Jesus Christ! If you don't think that, then you're nothing but a traitorous RINO!!!!

   In the spirit of Mother's Day, the worst mother ever has to be Donsld Trump's mother.

   It’s okay to eat your driver’s license even if it’s been expired for a week.

   Are 3-year-olds dishwasher safe?

   I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

   Hearing those four little words always makes my day. “Your order just shipped.”

   You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

   i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

   Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

   You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

   I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

   it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

   Thought it was real sweet that my daughter gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

   Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.