Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice

   My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive. In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.

   the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

   Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.

   Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die

   I've been watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should sell my house for parts?

   In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

   I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

   Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

   Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

   Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

   Mike, Who, Cheese, Harry ~ say it faster

   I was caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am...

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   “Feeling sad? We can help make it worse” - online dating

   When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

   They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

   I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich. I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

   I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid. And my shoes got wet.

   To those who oppose Governor Desantis' covid revisions, kindly remain locked up in your homes with your masks firmly attached to your faces along with your heads up your a$$es.