Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re reading this, un-banana your spine.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

   Wine gets better with age. That’s why it’s always better by the time you pour the fourth glass.

   Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

   Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   Wife woke up this morning and said she heard running water in her ears... I told her she may have a creek in her neck.

   If you wear two swim suits you can pee in the pool this summer-Dr.Fauchi

   Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

   My sister just texted me that she’s pregnant… I’m gonna be a dad!

   Just got my first shot and going to get another one just as soon as I can get the waitresses attention.

   I stubbed my toe on the bedpost that immediately set off my Tourette Syndrome.

   Only here can a basketball player be hated beyond belief just because he has a different opinion than ours.

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call it a Porta-Potty and not a Handi-Crapper?

   Your ignorance may be bliss, but it’s giving the rest of us a headache.

   I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

   Cleaning out the fridge is the most excitement I’ve had in weeks Surprised face, confused, followed by a little gagging

   I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

   We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.