Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

   Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   “Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

   The Sopranos would've been better without Carmela, Carmela's parents, Meadow, Meadow's friends and Jean Cusamano.

   It's scary when the weatherman is the closest one on the news now to telling the truth now.

   If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

   As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

   There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

   Witnesses says that Gaetz acted like a party frat boy. I wonder which frat hose he belonged to? Imma tappa minor?

   The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that you can drop her off anywhere.

   I and my friends happened to be viewing the excellent points found on the blog and all of a sudden developed a horrible feeling I had not thanked the web site owner for those techniques. These men had been for that reason passionate to read them and have

   The only thing you can believe from CNN, MS-NBC, ABC, CBS, NBC and WaPo that resembles accurate and factual reporting are yesterday's sports scores.

   Bruh. This pollen aint got no business seasoning us like we chicken.

   Matt Gaetz says "I'm there, before the hair".

   It's sad when I watch the news and the Weatherman is the one closet to the truth...

   147 mass shootings in US already this year: let's make it easier to buy guns....2 cases of voter fraud in 2020: let's make it harder to vote (rolls eyes back).

   What if you take Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna at the same time and just let them fight it out inside you?

   How many rounds of the vaccine do you need before you can stop wearing the tinfoil hat?

   Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?

   How Dawn clean ducks but not my spaghetti bowl??