Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.

   What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."

   I heard Biden went on a trip today.

   Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.

   that March 20th inauguration happening? Anybody know? Anybody? I don't want to miss it again.

   Had a bad day today, but I didn't kill 8 people... I came home and did a line of coke like all other responsible adults

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.