Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was trying to live the "Sorority Life" in "Farmville", but got caught up in the "Mafia Wars" at "Farmtown".....now my "Farkle" is all "Bejeweled" up!!!!!...help!!!!!

   the heart of a little boy....on a jar on my desk.

   waiting for MTV to check out my crib...

   If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

   Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.

   thinks the fine people at Aleve are very wise indeed. For headaches, take two Aleve, and keep away from children.

   Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook

   that pirates are better than ninjas

   wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales

   just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)

   Never really got OxiClean to work the way Billy Mays could....

   panicking who will keep an eye on Russia if Sarah Palin moves stateside?!

   thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year

   i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   wonders if you can bring sexy back without a reciept.

   the guy that put the laughter in manslaughter...

   wants a Sunggie made out of ShamWow material

   planning a night he can't remember!

   wondering if i'm updating my facebook status now, then who is watching the hostages?

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!