Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my a$$.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

   I bet him anul if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

   How come there can't be one less Justin Bieber

   I shoved a hot moist piece of meat in my mouth. first time I really felt dirty from having a bbq

   call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

   watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

   Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin

   Thought about staying home from work today but then I remembered the thousands of people on welfare are depending on me, I owe I owe its off to work I go.....

   I didn't call you Fred Flintstone because I thought you could make my bed rock!! ;-) I called you Fred Flintstone because that brick of a line was prehistoric!! ;-p Practice your game

   I went to Japan and got myself a discount prostitute. She love me moderate time.

   seen Willy's Wonka and is not impressed.

   wondering if a strap-on is considered as an artificial limb?

   if I win the 265 millon California lottery this week , I am gunna fly to Somalia and collect all the trillons of Dollars I've won from all My DEAD realatives and take over the world !!!

   loves the smell of a home-cooked breakfast...mmmm bacon...now how do I get that smell in my house?

   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

   wondering if a strap-on is considered an artificial limb?

   has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?!