Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am sensing a great disturbance in the force. A disturbance I havn't felt since Darth W Bush was in office. I fear the new sith lord Darth Pelosi is starting trouble.

   Humidity = Bad hair day!! Thinking of shaving her head....Britney Spears style

   bringing Afro's back....this message is sponsored by humidity

   If Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back, then I can bring Afros back...."This is Humidity and I approve this message"

   There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice!!

   just small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train goin' anywhere.

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI

   It must be spring, I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater. Who needs a groundhog?

   May the 4th be with you.

   If you aim right you won't disrupt her sight. Eyes are not cup holders for that stuff

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   It's so hot in here Nelly and his crew just showed up.

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes this weekend . Jay Leno appeared 30 minutes in to take over due to 60 minutes "losing viewers and profits."

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   It rubs the iPad on its skin or else it gets the Kindle again.