Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm picturing you naked right now. Airbrushed, Photoshopped and digitally enhanced, but totally naked...

   30 minutes? I want to hear that from the pizza. Put the pizza on the phone!

   FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though...

   I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   Semi-colons don't get enough credit. They should be re-branded as super-commas...

   I told you officer, I cut the a** out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. No, I don't know who crapped on your car.

   This just in from ESPN. The woman Ben Roethlisberger assaulted is pregnant. The big news is Mel Kiper already has him as a first rounder in his mock draft.

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

   Ronald McDonald just killed Burger King in front of Dairy Queen over that B*t*h Wendy

   virginity is like a baloon... one prick and it's gone forever.....

   What do you call a black man flyin a plane???? A pilot you RACI$T !!!!

   Lady Gaga preaching abstinence is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety or Kermit the Frog preaching about your finger not smelling like pork.

   I just heard Justin Bieber for the first time and she sounds like a very nice little girl so stop being mean to her!

   Playboy made a mistake passing on Kate Gosselin as a centerfold. I believe America desires to see a uterus that could be used as a three car garage.

   I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.

   I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.

   I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

   You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."