Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   When someone ruins a load of whites on TV it's always because of a stupid red sock. Never a burgundy washcloth or scarlet granny panties, always a sock! Who owns fire engine red socks anyway?

   If I bought everything you wanted me to, spam merchants, I'd be too conked out from the Vicodin to fit that Rolex watch around my giant penis.

   When it comes to rotating the view of a picture or PDF, every bit of my sense of clock-wise or counter clock-wise goes right out the window.

   I wonder what the goose did to earn its silly reputation...

   There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.

   "Where can I get one of those gold necklaces with the T?" "That's a Cross..." "Across from what?"

   Funny how they wanna friends AFTER they stomped, crushed, torched, ripped, backstabbed and oh yeah....broke your heart.

   Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

   it seems like alot of people get great comments when they change there relationship status to "Single" so I'm gonna be in a temporary relationship just to let you all know I'm still single?

   waiting for the global warming people to push for the abolishment of the two utensil system by legislating the mandantory use of the spork to cut down on green house emmissions...it could happen!

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Hannah Montanna Poster! Grow up!!"

   i realized I was getting old today when I discovered my first grey pubic hair."Dont worry, I wasnt as freeked out as the rest of the people in the elivator", I got over it...

   My arms are so sore from playing Wii, I can't even wank it.

   Oatmeal is only good for the first 8 bites...then you start playing with it.

   Good morning! Looks like you need a shot of wake the fok up!?

   it is really satisfying to know, now that my 2 year old is almost done with diapers, I will probably be the next one that needs them...

   wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, young body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords

   says the difference between ORAL SEX & ANAL SEX,,,,,,,,,,, ,, is ORAL SEX will make your day but ANAL SEX will make your hole weak.......

   a doctor goes into work one day and asks his secretaryif it was wrong to have sex with his patients. runs him out of office and screams "OF COURSE UR A VET!!!