Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   you spin my head right round, right round..but thats a good thing, it was outta wack from checking out that guy ;)

   I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed in the morning. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

   i feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket orrrrr something!!!!

   What do you do if your about to die in front of a candy store? Eat a life saver :)

   dropped it like it's hot BUT before it even hit the ground....caught it like a cold...WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

   hates that the jeopardy theme song is stuck in my head. Its giving me a false sense of anxiety!!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   If it wasn't for my superior willpower, I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

   is experiencing fact that "having jalapenos once, will burn you twice."

   Good friends are like bras...close to your heart, and always there for support

   I can kiss better then I can cook

   updating FB while getting a bj

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   I put the STD in stud, now baby all I need is U.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."