Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I had to take my paycheck to the bank. It was too little to go all by itself.

   ever notice that when a story starts out with "I swear that I'm not sh*tting you"...they ARE sh*tting you?

   really thinks that the best method for retaining a healthy, youthful look is probably still one of the oldest methods: bathing in the blood of virgins.

   Irony: a fat guy at walmart getting his blood pressure checked with two big bags of doritos in his other hand:D

   A bit of a Procrastanator, i've been meaning to put that as my status since last week!

   Be my Tom and I will be your Jerry.

   asks Where Were You When the Republic Died?

   going to have you naked by the end of ths status

   a good listener (under the current definition of Kin Hubbard:"a good listener is usually thinking of something else")

   Pobody's nerfect. :)

   effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?"

   instead of fighting over healthcare the government should give everyone skittles because they make everyone happy!

   wondering " Why Beyonce not wearing a G-string in Telephone Video with Lady Gaga??"

   Sometimes I wish I could be like Jeff Probst from Survivor. I'd love to walk into a Shift Briefing at work and say,"The Tribe Has Spoken"!!! Then walk over and extinguish their torch and tell them to pack their belongings and get the @#$% out!!!

   Was I the only one creeped out by watching, "The Time Travelers Wife"??? Nude adult male in the woods.....Six year old girl??? Just a little weird for a movie.

   Nancy Pelosi: Doing to health care what she did to her face!

   thinks that Hitler has a lot to answer for- not so much the genoside - mass murdering- god complex- and many other stuff! But also the fact that little stubby tashes can never be fashionable! Ive just tried - it'd suit me ;-)

   I was watching Spongebob with my Daughter the other day and she left the room. It's bad enough, I found myself still watching it by myself. But..... what's even odder is that I realized the irony that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom.

   Barack Obama is pro-life, as long as that life is on death row!