Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   considering taking on a plumbing study course in an attempt to find a $200,000 Dollar ring down th toilet drain. I already got a diving suite anyway...

   Just watched Precious.... I believe the Best Supporting Actress should have totally gone to Mariah Carey's moustache. P.S. Eminem just wrote a rap song about tapping that moustache and even has a sample from a voice mail the flavor saver left him....

   If at first you don't succeed, dispose of the witnesses and say you did...

   (asks: How much money do you have?) Let me put it this way...Last time I made a deposit at the bank..I got a standing ovation!

   remember to drink your beer. It's full of vitamin P.

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   wondering how a MAN can't stop a PRIUS ......BUT....... Tiger woods wife stopped a ESCALADE WITH a 9iron

   PUA-FEN, people use acroynms for everything nowadays

   ..is off to spend some quality time with her gf. Be back in two minutes! :-)

   wishes her alarm clock had a rewind button

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.

   Beer: sometimes too much to drink isn't enough..

   starting a facebook anonymous group to help people with their Fb addiction...we will meet 6 times a day right here on Fb...anyone interested?

   it's not death I fear..........it's what they'll find on my computer when I go!!

   wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...

   trust is like a mirror you can fix it if its broken but you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection!

   My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?

   The sexual position 69 is now 96, due to the poor economy the price of eating out has gone up

   Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished

   cautious. There is a "Stop Time" button on the microwave that was probably supposed to read "Stop Timer" but I don't press it, just in case.