Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   wondering what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag around.

   So...Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, and Ben Rothelisberger walk into a bar........

   I used to love hungary-hungary hippo..... what other game lets you slap somthing on the butt to open it's mouth and swallow balls?

   It's about time to move my cheese

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   wondering why when the best actors are chosen by actors it is called the Oscars, but when the best actors are chosen by regular people it is called an election.

   didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

   as anxious as a biker in front of a Toyota

   But what was he doing the first one who subscribed to Facebook?

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   I understand you got your swag on, but could you walk a lil faster...?

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   born with two helpings of brains but only half a helping of heart

   Unfortunetley for me, mirrors dont talk. Lucky for you, they dont laugh either.

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Miley Cyrus awarding best original song at the Oscars...Irony defined?

   Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.