Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   been talking to some friends about starting a Black Eye Peas tribute band....we're going to call ourselves Black Guy Pees

   I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS

   considering mugging an Olympic medalist now that gold is at $1000 an ounce...

   I believe on of the biggest problems in my life is that I don't listen to enough MC Hammer.

   loves to give false and misleading information to gossipers... it messes them up and makes them look ridiculously stupid! hahaha

   wants to make the Top News Feed, but my wife thinks I Can't do it, Let's prove the B*tch Wrong!"

   watching the Time Traveler's Wife with my Wife. We Both Cried at the End. But We Both Cried for Different Reasons!"

   using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   As I, once again, found myself glued to the riveting action of Olympic Curling, I couldn't help but see a missed advertising opportunity. Swiffer WetJet should be sponsoring the hell out of this event.

   Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends."

   what is this world coming to? screw Hannah Montana and Jonas... bring back tom and Jerry, scooby doo, and mickey mouse!

   Please Don't Give me The "Sorry, He's Not Usually Like this, He's Really Sweet When it's Just us Two Alone Speech" maybe you should, um.. give it to Yourself!"

   AHHHH! A student driver! AHHHHH! In a Toyota! We're all gonna die!!!

   Feels horrible because he just congratulated a woman on a baby she wasnt having!!! Oops!

   Cheryl Cole changed her relationship status to "single". 45 million people liked this.

   Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

   Son of a GOD!!! SACHIN!!! Couldn't beleive my eyes when I saw 200 not out next to Sachin Tendulkar. Another unbreakable record added to d list.

   Dilemma. Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   there's only one Return and it's not of the King, it's of the Jedi.

   Harrassment: A mint flavored pill that a female injects into her rectum to freshen it.