Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a flying dream last night!  It was awesome, I felt just like a bird so I pooped on someone's car!

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father.

   had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, until he broke it off!

   I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating!

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

   Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   Love has its own time, its own season, its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coax it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you...

   - Ladies, you have Feb. 14th (Valentine's Day) - Not to worry Men, we have March 14th...If you don't know what March 14th is, Google it :)

   Women are like roads: the more curves they have,the more dangerous they are.

   can't find a valentine even though I have gotten my bedwetting problem under control... what else do you lady's want from me... to watch lifetime with you???

   abstinance makes the church grow fondlers

   a barbie girl in a barbie world.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.

   I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

   will always believe that cupid rhymes with stupid.

   "Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?" --- Charles Barkley

   "If you are Jordan, Wade, Garnett or Peyton, it worked. It don't work on Leroy." --- Charles Barkley

   Hey look! I am invisible!

   Happy New Year to all my Chinese friends, and those who just want a reason to party. With it coinciding with Valentines Day, I know of one professional golfer who is planning to celebrate the 14th & all year long. After all, it IS the Year of the Tiger!