Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - Rumor has it that Terrance and Phillip will be lighting the Olympic Flame tonight in Vancouver.

   thinking if they didnt Screw the fifth flame, the Olympic would be more interesting :D

   staring at you...yes, you....the one reading this status....yeahh..hey there mistah mistah. ^-^

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   wonders how we are so concerned with automobile safety (airbags, crumple zones, antilock brakes), yet some will jump on an open sled from the 1870's and go 90 mph down a channel without a second thought!

   WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THE ICE CREAM MAN USE TO GO DOWN THE STREET RINGING THE BELL. WELL, WHEN THE HELL IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET THE MORNING "COFFE MAN" TRUCK DOWN MY STREET??? THEN IT WOULD BE NICE AROUND 5 IN THE AFTERNOON FOR THE "VODKA" TRUCK...DING DA DI

   My ex-wife seems to think she is a female version of Nostradamus. Before the divorce she predicted that I was going to pay for it, that I would never find love again, and that my world as I know it was going to end... a year and half later I'm a belliever

   Uh oh! You ever send a naughty text to the wrong person on accident? Ooops! My mom is gonna be soooo shocked when she reads that one. That was some of my best work too!

   Just booked a table for me and the other half for tomorrow - f****** hope she's good at snooker lol?!!!!

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   wonders if people in the porn industry are ever "In the mood"?

   FINALLY... I have a date for tomorrow .... and she is so smoking HOT .... she is my GAS RANGE..., coz I STILL have 2 GO 2 WORK AND COOK ON VALENTINES DAY!!!

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   wondering why noses run and feet smell

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   How can I explain Your love And how it turns my world up side down

   I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my a** !!!.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.