Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons

   The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege

   If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?

   just read an article on heavy drinking and it scared the sh*t out of me! So thats it!! After today no more f*cking reading!!

   Books, like friends, should be few, and well chosen.

   The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

   No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

   "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

   "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

   You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

   Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told she looked cool.

   Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

   42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga STILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, p!nk looked like a slutty nun who wet herself, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fo

   Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

   Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

   Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap