Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twister. Its all fun and games til the cat comes up pregnant

   I have 5,000 channels I cannot watch since they are in spanish, but they take away Food Network and HGTV from me......... Cablevision you are a disgrace, what the hell am I paying you to much money for!!! Damm you Cablevision, damm you!

   A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it. "

   You can't get greater in life if your still tryin to get even.

   Hold on to your shovels, its going to be a long winter!!

   Life is too short for regrets, so after mortally wounding your enemies, learn to forgive yourself and move on

   Jets fans relax, I know being in the playoffs is exciting but the bengals let you win so enjoy it while it last....... Cause it's over come Saturday.

   was told recently that it really doesn't constitute stalking if you inform the other party. I like that. So, Greater Facebook Community, I'm probably stalking you.

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

   It was recently reported that House Speaker Pelosi stated that "There has never been a more open process" regarding the Health Care Reform Bill." Which begs the question, is she smoking marijuana for a medical condition?

   wonders if one took up dancing in the southern hemisphere, if it would be considered "pole" dancing

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   When you feel neglected think of a mother salmon who lays 3,000,000 eggs and no one remembers her on Mother's Day

   wants to be like one of those cool tv dads like Bill Cosby. So he is sending his wife to Law School and starting a Medical practice in his basement

   While stepping over the broken bodies, my heart sank as I suddenly realized my hiding spot had been located...

   waiting for the new i-touch-wii

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.

   A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. Suddenly,the man picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head. The horrified shopkeeper asks "Excuse me,sir?? Can I help you?". Blind man says "No thanks. Just having a look around."