Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

   Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

   went to a doctor and got tested positive.. for being the shiittt!

   Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

   sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street, smack them on the chest, yell 'YOU'RE IT!!' and then run away.

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   my english is getting gooder and gooder

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.

   Recently the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" passed away at the age of 104. His last words were, "I can't believe that's what it's all about."

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   : Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?

   an expert on escaping padded cells and straight jackets

   needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.