Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   haha Strap-On spelt backwards is no parts

   cant wear skinny jeans because my rolls wont fit

   went into a elementary school and told the kids santa isnt real

   if you tell the truth..you don't have to have a good memory.

   hate it when I get stupid fortunes from a fortune cookie. I feel like I got cheated!

   I think what I want most out of life is to die in my 90's owing a s**t load of money and shot by a jealous husband.

   I was thinking about becoming an atheist, but I thought screw it, you don't get any holidays.

   has found an artificial leg on a bus and is going to give it to his wife as a Xmas present. It should make the ideal stocking filler!

   MERRY XMAS EVERYONE (Yes I know it's a bit early, but I thought I'd start with you miserable and argumentative plebs first!)

   Was told I am a naive realist...from what I can see they are wrong

   Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

   All in all, this is just another... post on my wall

   Cheer up, The worst is yet to come!

   the best part of you ran down your mothers leg

   Think about it If there where no men in the world there would be no crime, but all women would be happy, and Fat!

   my goal is to stop drinking, smoking and swearing, holy#$#% my cigarette just fell into my wine. gotta go

   he was once know as Tiger, now he will be known as Cheetah..u play & you pay, new prenup with a swingers clause since Tiger will never be satisfied with a hole in one....

   : eanie, meanie, minie, moe, caught a Tiger with his ho.

   didn't come to be loved, he came to be hated. From the root to the fruit.

   Channel X Is Temporarily Not In Service. Please Tune In To Your Own Life For Your Regularly Scheduled Broadcast.