Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with

   playing with a full deck.

   going to party like it's 2012.

   You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

   Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

   my wife is so immature... I would be in the bath and she would come home and sink my boats

   Men are only as loyal as their options.

   Guys are like roses. You've got to watch out for the pricks.

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

   spends 90% of his salary on booze and women... the rest I just waste

   Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.

   find that job you love and never work a day in your life

   heard the Washington Bullets want to change their name to something not associated with crime. They're just gonna be called the Bullets.

   wonders if "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, does that make "I Do" the longest sentence?

   fairly certain the only reason that so many stupid and obnoxious people are still alive is that murder's illegal

   was a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   : BREAKING NEWS.... Scientist have discovered a cure for apathy, but no one seems to care.

   wondering why people who work at Tim Hortons are SLOW? I mean come on are you that screwed up in which you actually have to ask someone if they "would like a tray" for those 5 coffees they ordered. Use your brain people!!!