Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life

   got some new underwear today... well new to me anyway :-)

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in my shoe till the end of the day.

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in her shoe till the end of the day

   lets play guess who I am? ok here we go, My arm itches, my neck itches, I'm shaking, and my lips are ashy. What am I?

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   : Ahhh, fall is is the air... and on my lawn, and on my car, and on my driveway...

   the Dread Pirate Roberts.

   hears the call of a lonely Crown Royal bottle. It's OK little buddy, I'll keep you company...

   : Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat...

   : What's Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin?"

   Never shave your legs when you have goosebumps. I'm just sayin'.

   never playing truth or dare again...

   rated MA for a mature audience, he contains coarse language, some nudity and adult themes

   got to live every week like it's shark week.

   Fun fact: if you leave a bag of lettuce in the fridge long enough, it will turn into brown soup.

   63 notifications later..i regret "liking" your status

   Gay People Should Have The Same Rights as Straight People, I Think They Should Get Their Own Public Toilets AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash