Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!

   what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!

   at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!

   the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??

   ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69.

   I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in the country. Can you come down the station and show them they've made a mistake?

   just got a Nintendo video game unit for my bathroom....it's called the Wii-Wii.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

   has a camera, a wire coathanger and some baby oil and is bored so might try doing a colonoscopy on himself

   drank some Chinese beer, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   My friend has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

   Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity!!!