Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

   Here in America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip

   To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.

   When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.