Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.

   I should be ashamed of my behaviour. Just to be clear, I should be, but I'm not.

   Which vaccine is the one with extra microchips in it? Cuz I wanna be able to control my appliances with my mind.

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   Sometimes, when I haven't had sex for a while, I like to go jogging in flip flops so I remember the sound.

   How many rounds of the vaccine do you need before you can stop wearing the tinfoil hat?

   What if you take Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna at the same time and just let them fight it out inside you?

   I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".

   When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.