Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   Rule number #1: F*kc what they think.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Well it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now.

   Modern problems require…. You know… the thing!

   Them: Did you adopt your cat? Me: No, it’s my biological cat.

   Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.

   Jury Duty is where the government calls you when they want and says, "Hey Bro, we need you to solve a murder, here's $15.00."

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.