Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.