Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 8 of 6376
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Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.
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06-28-2022 23:49
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You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.
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01-06-2023 18:19
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The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.
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01-04-2023 02:42
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Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”
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01-06-2023 01:39
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If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?
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01-06-2023 19:07
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Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.
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06-20-2022 03:28
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Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
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06-23-2022 01:24
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The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
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07-22-2022 13:55
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When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.
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07-23-2022 00:04
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Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.
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04-18-2022 21:49
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When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!
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04-18-2022 21:49
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If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!
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01-06-2023 00:54
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FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.
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01-08-2023 02:48
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I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.
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01-19-2023 04:16
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“You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.
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05-15-2022 02:43
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When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.
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06-05-2022 02:58
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You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.
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06-07-2022 02:03
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Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.
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06-23-2022 01:23
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Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.
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01-04-2023 02:35
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They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.
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01-08-2023 02:55
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