Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂
←Rate | 01-24-2023 00:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 08:27 by Danyul Comments (0)  

   messageicon A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 00:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.
←Rate | 04-20-2022 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.
←Rate | 04-29-2022 00:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.
←Rate | 06-21-2022 22:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 00:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 01:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”
←Rate | 01-09-2023 04:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:36 Comments (0)  

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