Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.

   Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.

   Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.

   I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

   I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.

   And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction

   Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   I would call you an idiot, but that would be insulting to idiots.

   Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.

   Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

   Someone just gave me half a peace sign, that’s weird.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.

   I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

   Mercury is in reverse cowgirl again.