Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.