Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing freaks me out more than touching a surface that was unexpectedly wet with some unknown liquid.

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   in desperate need of a padded room and a Thorazine drip..

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   When life leaves you speechless, music provides the lyrics to help you find the meaning...

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.

   Eggnog....I get the egg part but, what the hell is "nog"

   thankful for unlimited text messages.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   This just in WIKILEAKS plans to reveal what you are getting for Xmas......

   The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

   an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.

   Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   believes insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it. ツ

   Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   I wish we could all legally divorce Kim Kardashian......