Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earthquakes, The number 1 cause of all Facebook updates.

   You know you're fat when you run out of breath eating.

   Being friends means you can pick on each other and joke around. If you take offense then get off my wall!!

   Posting a pic of how bad the roads are while you're driving sort of makes the situation worse don't ya think?

   I walked into a party last night and someone yelled, "dibbs!"

   you know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music

   makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap".

   Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex.

   Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.

   Don't you wish you go back in time to your high school/college year and tell your younger self "Whatever you do, do NOT sleep with that girl"

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   Does anyone have a clean slate to spare... I'm all out.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.