Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   twerking just shaking your ass? Why did we need a new word? Ass-shaking has served us well for centuries.

   So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   I can read minds... Youre reading my status right now arent you..

   It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”

   thinks the bad thing about having kids is that they are ALL morning people.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

   thinks you should probably just let your "Honor Roll" student drive, cause you're very obviously an idiot.

   Smiling at the person who know's they have pissed you off can be the highlight of your day. :)

   Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

   I'm not saying its cold, but I just saw a saber-toothed squirrel chasing after an acorn.

   Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

   My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...

   I now feel old, realizing Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit" was released 19 years ago.

   Liking your own comment is like the facebook version of self-pleasure.